What is it about a baby bump that makes the entire world and it's daughter go coo-coo to cop a feel?
I mean don't get me wrong I know there are plenty of women out there who are so proud of their little growing tummy bumps that they wish more people would ceremoniously give them a pat.
However I'm certainly not one of those people. Me, I'm more of a I'm pregnant and if you so much as think that means I'm now fair game for a grope I'll chew your hand of. I wish I could be one of those ladies who it doesn't bother because the amount of offended/disappointed faces I've already had to endure, and I'm only 15 weeks along, can sometimes be fairly guilt inducing.
But seriously nobody has ever wanted to touch up my stomach, well unless it's himself on one of our 'lucky' evenings, and nobody gave my boobs a fondle when I was breastfeeding so this whole patting the tummy and saying 'well done' thing is ridiculously odd to me.
And it's not just friends, you see strangers or passing acquaintances give the shifty tummy rub eye and the only thing that stops them is the semi-growl I have to give off to warn that I do bite.
Now I never had my mother around for my first pregnancy and I doubt we'll get to share any of this experience either but I don't even think I'd be comfortable with my own mum, who yes I am fully aware wiped my bum for many years, giving my ever bulbous stomach a good rubbing.
I'm not sure whether it's a personal space issue that I have but I almost feel slightly abused when the entire planet thinks I want my belly rubbed like that of a buddha, as if I don't feel fat enough yes I am comparing myself to an obscenely large zen master.
Not only the belly rubbing becomes a subject of horror/amusement but some of the questions you get asked are a tad intimate.
'So was this one planned?' Erm clueing you in on my sex life isn't something I really want to go into.
'Did you have to try for long?' Another 'sex life' question that is so not cool.
'Are you having twins?' No, I'm not but hey thanks very much for making me feel even larger!
There are lots of ladies out there who love and welcome these questions. Me? A simple 'Congrats, when are you due?' will do just nicely, or even tell me 'Wow you don't even look pregnant, have you lost weight?' Yeah if you want me to bake you a cake ask me that one, you're sure to be onto a winner with this grouchy, anti-social pregnant lady if you manage to tell me something along those lines.
I may even bring you a tray of these caffeine-high inducing slices. Which are ridiculously easy to make, I mean you don't even really need an oven as these involve no baking whatsoever.
They're fantastically fudgy, chocolatey and with the caramel lotus biscuits adding a rich sweetness, These are incredibly diet destroying they are that good.
1 x 250g package of Lotus 'Biscoff' Biscuits (If you can't find these you can use any biscuit from digestive to rich tea
100g / 2/3 Cup Whole Hazelnuts
3 Tsp Instant Coffee Powder
150g / 5oz Dark Chocolate
300g / 10oz Milk Chocolate
50g / 1/4 Cup Butter
100g / 1/2 Cup Sweetened Condensed Milk
1/2 Tbsp Vegetable Oil
Sprinkles for decoration are entirely optional!
Line an 8x8 inch brownie tin with cellophane and set aside.
In a large mixing bowl break up your biscuits into smallish pieces (not crumbs you still want them a little chunky) and add in the hazelnuts, set this bowl aside.
In a bowl placed over a pan of simmering water, place 2 teaspoons of coffee powder, the dark chocolate, half of the milk chocolate and the butter and melt them all together till smooth.
Next quickly stir in the condensed milk and then swiftly stir the chocolate mixture through the biscuits and nuts.
Press all these ingredients as evenly as you can into your prepared tin and set aside.
Meanwhile over another bowl over a pan of simmering water melt together the remaining milk chocolate, your oil and 1 teaspoon of coffee powder till smooth and then spread as evenly as possibly over the biscuit mixture.
Set this in the fridge for at least 2 hours to set.
The bars can sit out but they will melt if in direct sunlight or confronted with a decent amount of heat.